Who?

 Who?

    Who was I? Who am I? Who will I be? These are the questions that made me ponder many nights spent awake. I failed every night and many days too, and I tried to avoid these questions during the daylight, but at night, they keep haunting me. Though I love my old clothes, I don't want to be in an aged, sick, weak, and old body. I hardly believe in God or Gods, but I prayed for my death more than anything worldly, even more than for life or to live long. I couldn't understand why I did this, but I thought of many ways to end the game at various points in life. I never felt defeated in life (maybe it's a half-truth), and I always loved to be a fighter, probably because I never had faith in good or bad life, I never understood the meaning of winning and losing, and I never got convinced of truth or untruth. I fought for the cause with all my wits and wisdom and never feared loss. I know people may not believe me, but this was, and this is, the reality of my life. Sometimes I think that I either loved anything or anyone in my life, and I find myself lost in the puzzle—it’s a maze I could never solve. Was I selfish? Am I selfish? How can I know? Only others, those who are or were near me all my life, can assess that; however, as a person, I consider myself selfish for certain goals, and selfless for myself. I never feared pain, heartaches, fatal accidents, or serious diseases, and remained cruel to myself because I never found my life too useful for the world or humanity. Now, after retirement, this feeling is growing stronger and stronger—that I am getting a useless body on the earth, a selfish body dwelling on the earth to live longer. Though to live longer a unproductive life is against my wish, I don't want to end the game because I consider that the play that I have not started or written, why should I end that or stop playing. Being on the stage without your wish is certainly not going to attract the audience, but who knows that this may be a real role for me on the stage.

    Life, a play, on the stage of the vanishing world, the momentary bubble in the turbulent stream, and unimaginably tiny in the universe, should not be a puzzle in an already puzzling world, but it is. The puzzle has been claimed to have solutions provided by many religions, semi-gods, demi-gods, and the godly people; they are either unreachable, imaginary, bluffs, or tools to control the lives of simple people, but people like me, with complex and perplex thinking, are still ignorant or against all such solutions and answers to life. The only solution that seems feasible to me for life questions is understanding and knowing the soul. If someone can code the soul, and make it public (in all probability, if someone does, it will get rapidly patented, to be the God or the Shaitaan), only then can lives like mine be benefited. The next question may be more serious: if the soul is there, is there a supersoul (the God), is the soul there in all living and nonliving, in every particle of the universe, is it an energy packet of a different size or of uniform size, how does it adjust to live in all different shapes and sizes, is it a all fit tool or jack for all or something else, realy at present rarely anyone knows. Can we see and know the soul after death? Many have likely died in search of the truth, and many more will in the future, but the majority of us die and will die without pondering on the puzzle.